All I want for Christmas…

By Wookie

“What do you want for Christmas sweetheart?”

What is it about that phrase that does two weird things, automatically?

First I get immediate amnesia. Everything I’ve seen or considered buying over the past few months that I decided I fervently needed, desired or just plain wanted, instantly vanish out of my memory like they had never been there. My mental Christmas wish list that held all the items I stopped myself from purchasing, thinking that would be a great present idea when you ask me this question, was inscribed on my list with indelible ink, is now a pristine, white sheet of paper that has never experienced a drop of lead, crayon or digital ink in its life.

Second, for some inexplicable reason time speeds up and our days start to fill up with constant things to do, arrange, planned for, attended, visited etc. etc.etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I live, eat and breathe Christmas. I love, love, love it! But, I can never understand how these two things kick into gear the moment that question is asked.

I have tried physically writing down my Christmas list and then I made the fatal mistake of storing it in a “safe place”….you know the one. Yep that one that you cannot, for the life of you, remember where it is, until you come across it in January!  Undaunted I try again every so often. Nope not succeeded in finding that damn list when needed to, yet! Yes I have listed it on my phone and managed to lose said phone causing me to get a replacement, only to find the offending object, you’ve guessed it, in January. I am convinced there is a conspiracy that is preventing me from ever producing my Christmas list so I now do my best to remember and fail miserably each year.

As for time speeding up, that’s slightly more understandable. To start with, I am lucky that you and I both love Christmas and everything it entails. So naturally, we discuss the decorations. What needs replacing? How are we going to decorate the house? What theme if any and definitely the tree! That is an expedition in itself; scouting out the best places for properly sourced trees, visiting each one and eventually selecting that special one that will be our centrepiece. Once home with our pride and joy it is bedded in properly and allowed to rest and settle before it is festooned with enough lights and decorations to properly display the tree to its best setting. I love the rare nights we are able to sit in the tree lights glow enjoying a glass of wine and discussing our tactics for Christmas shopping. That is never easy with the jobs you and I hold down. Although they do have the advantage of being odd hours, so we can go during the week sometimes. Although having worked sometimes 24-36 hrs straight, going out to the stores is not always appealing.

Then there is the actual decorating time since we must have everything up by November at the very latest. So there’s the researching new decorations and adding to our growing collection of the model town, zoo, grotto, ice age and dinosaur parks that have expanded each year. Finally, we get to decorate the outside and I still hold my breath each year you throw the switch, first waiting excitedly for the display and second praying we don’t blow the national grid! Luckily, it’s not happened yet.

Whilst all this is going on, our social calendar is growing daily with various parties both work and friend oriented, and this year we have three birthdays, two theatre trips to see the latest Star Wars movie and our regional Dramatic Society’s comedy offering and, to date, a wedding of all things…I know right. Who in their right minds would get married so close to Christmas!

Anyway whatever happens we will somehow get through it all and enjoy every second. It just seems so strange though that time seriously does speed up and it will feel like we come home after one fabulous evening only to be changing within a matter of hours to be out the door, hitting the lights once more and diving right in to the music, friends both old and new, laughter, drinks, rich food, way too much rich food ….until finally we head home for a few short hours of blissful sleep before it all starts up again.  Yet for all this madness and mayhem, we both plunge in, intent on enjoying every second of this magical time of year.

This year, indeed, is no different to the others and we are now caught up in the mad social whirl that we are lucky to be included in. I love going out with you, being seen with you, introducing you to new people from my side you’ve not yet met, just as I am so happy when you do the same. I never tell you but I am so proud to be your partner and I am constantly amazed you are mine. I treasure our relationship, all the special aspects of it and I do my best to never take anything for granted within it.

Already we have 2 early Christmas dinners, a reunion party for overseas family arriving for the holiday season and one birthday party done and dusted and we are now getting ready for my works bash.

It seems like we’ve had no private time at all in the last 10 days. I look across at you and I catch my breath. You look stunning, as always. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you carry it perfectly. You turn and your glance encompasses me completely and suddenly I see that special loving look on your face as your eyes shine. You make me melt at that moment. I would move heaven and earth at that point to forget the evening’s event and stay in with you my love but I know we won’t do that. We have accepted the invitation and so we are committed to attend. Suddenly you are by my side and I’m pulled easily into your arms.

“You look beautiful honey” you whisper in my ear. “I will be the luckiest woman there tonight with you on my arm.”

Somehow, with that simple statement, you show me you understand exactly what I’m feeling and you have managed to make me want to go out in public with you instead of giving in to my inner thoughts.

We have a wonderful time and it was indeed an excellent dinner and dance. I loved every second being out there with you.

However, what I cannot understand is this tiny feeling deep inside me that seemed to gradually appear throughout the evening. It is almost like we are together but you are just out of my reach, almost. It sounds weird so I stifle it and hope it will pass.

Once home I am eagerly anticipating some private time with you at last. This feeling I had, has awakened once more and I cannot wait to be in your arms.

Just as I’m changing from my formal wear you walk into our bedroom speaking into your mobile.

Already I have gathered the nature of the call. You are being ordered into an op.

Luckily I am pulling a tee shirt over my head at the time, so gaining seconds to take a deep breath and hold it long enough before turning to face you with a soft smile on my face as I say “I’ll grab you some drinks and stuff just in case” as I squeeze your arm before heading to the kitchen.

I didn’t have to say any more, your expression of disappointment covered it all.

Once you are changed into your tactical gear you join me in the kitchen where I’ve packed sufficient provisions to last up to 24 hrs. I am used to the operational side of your job and have no worries about it. I just want you to come home safe and sound and as quick as possible.

You take me in your arms and hold me so close. Your lips gently possess mine and within seconds I am lost, swirling in a blanket of love that wraps around me, filling me with such intense emotion I am swept away. My world is here, with you, in your arms.

All too soon I am watching you drive away and I am missing you so much already. I cannot ignore this strange sensation I keep getting. It’s difficult to describe really. I feel like I cannot get close to you, things are either blocking me or simply pulling us apart. It’s almost like a small fear that I won’t be able to get to you or that you will not be able to reach me. A tiny sense of loss manifests which is crazy and I know this. I know you will be there for me, I know it. Yet…

At this point my rational self kicks in. I know damn well you are always there for me. We will get our time together just not right now. Things happen like this occasionally and always end up well. I deliberately shake myself out of the slump I find myself in and go find a glass of wine to relax with before bed.

The following morning I am up early choosing to visit the gym. Time there, apart from being beneficial also helps clear my mind with the regular routine of exercises I do. There’s something comforting in the familiar surroundings and steady repetition of movements within the work-out. My equilibrium gradually re-establishes itself and I face the rest of the day in a positive frame of mind.

You don’t return home until the early hours of the following morning and quietly slide into bed beside me. I stir slightly, subliminally aware you are back as I drift off into a deeper sleep, suddenly more relaxed.

Our work week now kicks in and as usual it joins the rest of the time that’s flying by, as it turns into one manic period of long days, sudden shift changes and extended work patterns due to operational requirements on both our chosen careers.  We definitely become ships that pass in the night during this particular time, just about kissing each other hello or goodbye as we disappear through the door once more.

Luckily both you and I are used to this scenario and we work as a team, ensuring the one that’s on her way out has everything she needs just as there is always a meal of sorts ready for when we get back, whenever that may be.

I become very aware of this passing time and the lack of close contact between us. I know it is telling on me. I want you, I want to be with you in your arms with time to enjoy, not just a swift hug and waiting on texts or a call if we can manage it. I miss you which is natural, but somehow this time it seems more. I am feeling adrift, lost. It’s like a sense almost of desperation, this need for the physical touch, to feel you next to me, hear your beautiful voice whisper soft words in my ear. A bleak thought of you not being there causes my eyes to suddenly glisten and I must stop, take a breath and breathe again slowly. Closing my eyes I count to ten as I regain control.

Taking stock of myself, when I manage to grab a quiet coffee break, I push these feelings down forcing myself to put on my strong, resolute façade, telling the world I can deal with anything, nothing will get me down. Even though I know this is so far from the truth. Things will change.

The weekend arrives and once more we are due to attend a social event. To be fair, after the chaotic week we have both been through, it is a good idea, giving us the chance to rest, relax and enjoy ourselves.

Ironically, I cannot describe the mood I’m in. I’m confused with feelings of anticipation of the evening ahead, a party with close friends that is always a fantastic evening, alongside an insistent small voice that simply keeps mumbling or chanting almost, “No, I don’t want to go, I want to stay with you, I want to stay with you!” Which by itself was weird since we were obviously going together.

Throughout the day we did all the normal things, chores, food shopping, social media etc, etc. but I knew I was acting somewhat uptight. I noticed you looking at me, checking me out from time to time, especially when I would give either a sharper response than expected or merely vague replies as though I had something on my mind. Even your tender enquiries were carefully avoided or brushed quietly to the side. Whenever possible you would reach out and squeeze my arm, hold my hand whilst we were out shopping and give welcoming hugs when you could. Yet this attention you showed, only seemed to make it worse for me.

It was almost like if I took too much notice of it, the attention would be taken away and I didn’t want to feel the loss. If I pretended it wasn’t there I couldn’t miss it. Yet deep inside I craved exactly this, your attention in every sense of the word.

Time as ever, was marching on. We headed through to the bedroom to start getting ready for the party.

“Honey how are you doing?” you ask, your voice full of loving concern.

“I am fine” is the quick answer. Your look says it all. You know that not to be the case.

“We can always cancel tonight my love, we don’t have to go anywhere. Would you prefer that?”

“No, no, we’ve been looking forward to this party for ages. You know all our friends will be there and it’s the best time ever“ my reply is rushed out quickly, too quickly judging by your perceptive glance. I fail to notice your raised eyebrow as I turn away to look for my clothes I’d set out earlier.

A hand closes over my arm and carefully spins me back around to stand before you.

“Sweetheart what is the matter? Please, you can tell me anything?”

I stare down at my feet not wanting you to see the confusion in my eyes. My mind is screaming at me to stay here with you, just you and me alone, away from the world. I need this connection even if I didn’t understand why.

A finger gently lifts my chin and I breathe deeply struggling to keep my emotions in check.

“We don’t have to do anything or go anywhere but I would like to know what is wrong my love. Please talk with me.”

I look into your deep blue eyes and feel my resolve slipping but I manage to grab it just in time. I cannot let my stupid insecurities spoil our time together.

“It’s nothing honey, just a very busy week. We’ve hardly seen each other,“ I cannot control the slight catch in my voice, “and you know how great this party will be. I can’t wait to get there mixing in with the crowd again.”

If ever there was an outright lie, that was it.

I didn’t see the dawning recognition cross your face as I turn away to continue getting ready. I didn’t see you assume your Top persona as you stood watching me for a minute whilst you considered the circumstances that you were now fully aware of. I didn’t see the moment you knew exactly what to do to make things right once more.

A hand takes hold of my hand. “Come with me” was the quiet command. The next thing I find myself in the living room face down over your lap as you begin swatting my bottom. They’re not hard, just steady regular swats that I can feel. You say nothing, letting me adjust to the unexpected position I’m in and the swats you are delivering. I lie there totally surprised at this development. I don’t understand how or why you are spanking me, albeit not hard by any means. You remain silent just allowing things to settle. Strangely, whilst I want to speak out with indignation at your actions, I notice I’m not struggling to be released. Your arm is holding me on your lap so I won’t fall but I know I could easily climb off. Yet a tiny part of me keeps me there.

After a short while you pull down my sweats and renew swatting my panty clad bottom. This time the swats are harder. Before long my cheeks are feeling warm, very warm. Still bemused at your actions I lie there, now determined to see through to the end whatever your plan is, that you think a spanking will make right. I certainly won’t break down over it.

Instinctively you sense my body language change to defensive control as it stiffens slightly. You increase the intensity of the swats that are now covering all my bottom slowly building a fire. Then you speak.

“I know you are wondering right now, why on earth I am spanking you. Listen to me and it will become clear.”

You pause to gain a more secure grip around my waist holding me still as your right hand continues swatting my backside with firm, solid strokes.

“Since last weekend I have noticed a subtle change in you my love. Bit by bit you have drawn into yourself and today it is even more apparent this is still happening. I am very aware of just how chaotic our life has been these last few weeks especially since last weekend. We have experienced life at both ends of the spectrum from tough work commitments through to our hectic social calendar at a heavy pace. We both know, particularly due to our work, this phenomenon happens occasionally and it does affect our quality time together. I believe this is the situation you and I are in right now. Our working patterns are simply a part of our lives and interwoven together and we accept that. Whereas, although we have shared our social events we are forever in a crowd that takes our attention away from each other. So there appears to be a distinct lack of us, our special time, our quality time. What do you think honey, is this what is happening?”

Throughout this speech you have maintained the steady, firm swats to my behind, turning the skin a decided deep pink with a resultant sting. Lying there listening to you I am amazed that the tiny voice inside me is agreeing with every word you say. Just as this position I’m in, whilst not new to me, I am startled that I’m not striving to avoid those solid swats. I’m aware too that you are not yet spanking me as hard as you normally would. What confuses me more though is the odd sense of comfort I am experiencing as I lie here holding on to your leg, feeling secure with your arm around me holding me tight whilst your hand delivers sharp, stinging swats that cause my cheeks to heat up even more.

A thoroughly sound swat brings my attention swiftly back to the question you asked me. As I start to speak, you pause allowing me to concentrate on my reply.

“I-I don’t know but, well …I don’t understand why I’m feeling so on edge. I know how our lives can go and that’s not a problem. I just …I can’t explain this weird, mucked up sense of almost loss. Ohhh! this is plain crazy!” I grind out through clenched teeth as my body stiffens once more.

“We can stay home tonight sweetheart. That would be no problem at all. What would you like to do?” your voice whilst keeping your Top control in place, nevertheless soothes me.

My body starts to relax a fraction before my inner turmoil kicks in causing me to jerk as I respond a tad too forcefully.

“NO! I’m fine. We love this party and I’m perfectly ok to go. There’s nothing wrong with me that I can’t handle. It’s just stress from a busy week.”

I glance over my shoulder to see concern written all over your face. Then my mouth goes into gear before my brain engages.

“Best get this spanking or whatever you think this is, over and done with. We don’t want to be late.”

I look down at the carpet in front of me more focused than ever to see this through and get on with the evening.

I miss the raised eyebrow once more and the impassive expression that covers your face as you hold still for a few seconds, composing yourself to give me exactly what you know I am crying out for.

Concentrating on the carpet I do not expect to suddenly find my panties pulled down to my knees and your hand now swatting my bare bottom with full vigour. These swats are for real. You don’t rush them, making each one land solidly and covering every inch of my cheeks. In a very short while you have a fire lit in my bottom that was not going out too soon.

Again you keep silent allowing the spanking to kick in with meaning. I grit my teeth intent on not reacting, just aiming to get through this. Although I couldn’t help the odd twist or turn to avoid your hard hand if possible.

Then you speak once more, continuing to spank me as you do so.

“Now I fully understand what the matter is my love. I can tell you right now why you are feeling so off-balance. Our incredibly busy lives have caused us to give more to the world, than to ourselves. We know this can happen and normally we cope with it. But, sometimes it can become too much. This is what you are experiencing right now. I know that you are feeling a bit lost, I know we have had no quality time together at all lately. I have seen you at the various parties etc, looking around, searching for me and believe me when I say, I never lose track of where you are at any given time. When we are with other people we do drift apart but that doesn’t mean I don’t know where you are. I know the effect this has on you sweetheart. It’s as though I am out of your reach. There is a small innate fear you won’t be able to get to me, or that I won’t return to you; that I won’t be there for you. This is enough to set anyone on edge.”

As much as I’m dealing with the sound spanking you are giving me, my mind is registering every word you say. How do you know this is what I’m going through? You are confirming what, up until now, I was trying to ignore. Yet I cannot hide the relief that you understand my fears. Instinctively my body relaxes a touch. You sense this immediately and begin speaking once more.

“Relax my love, I am not going anywhere. You will not lose me. I am right where I want to be, where I should be and where I intend spending the rest of my life, by your side. I want you to know and believe what I say when I tell you this. I am the luckiest person alive right now because I have you in my life. The love I have for you is immeasurable. You are my world and I cherish every second we are together. This special relationship we share is my most treasured possession and I carry the responsibilities of being your Top with the utmost care and diligence. There is nothing I would not do for you. Importantly I want you to know beyond doubt I will ALWAYS be there for you. When I’m not by your side or alone with you, just look around, I am there, across a crowded room, in a busy club, out in the crowds on the streets. I will always be there. Whatever you need, whenever you need it I am and always will be there for you. Just as I am right now!”

Abruptly you alter the pattern of swats concentrating swift volleys on the sit spots before returning to swat all my bottom then back to the sit spots again. The unexpected change sends my mind off to concentrate solely on your words. As they sink in my jumbled thoughts and fears begin to straighten out. Everything is making sense once more. I needed to know you would be there for me. If I fell, you would pick me up. It was as simple as that. No matter how chaotic our lives would be I know you will always be there for me. With this dawning realisation I am able to release the tension my fears have built up. Your loving words sink in filling me with indescribable happiness and I let them wash over me. As my mind revels in this new found knowledge I am aware you are still spanking me and now I understand why.

The stinging pain from the spanking is so familiar to me, I know it and my body instinctively reaches out for the reassurance I have craved from this very act. This is the connection I sought, that I feared I would lose.

With full understanding comes acceptance. I melt over your lap embracing each swat you give me. Gladly I feel the heat from the fire you have caused, the burning sting as each firm swat lands. I know you will always be there to take care of me whenever I need you.

Ever the consummate Top, you are instantly aware of the change in me, knowing I now understand what was happening. Gradually you slow the spanking down, allowing me to fully benefit from my experience. You need to finish the spanking properly so I can embrace the support the swats give to your message. I need to feel your presence not just hear the words.

Finally you stop and slowly rub my back letting me lay there until I am ready to move. I am grateful for this time. My body is totally relaxed over your lap. I feel your strong thighs against me , your hand slowly circling my back in a gentle motion. At last my heart is lighter, so much lighter. I feel strength returning to me once more. As I turn, you help me up until I am sitting on your lap . My bottom is very sore but it is a welcoming pain and I bury myself into your arms. For however long it takes I know you will hold me until we have to join the world again.

Later, we are at the crazy party we had looked forward to. As usual you and I start out together and within a short while we are apart once more due to different people claiming our attention. From time to time I see you looking at me and I smile. You grin and nod gently.

The house is laden with Christmas decorations, a huge tree and presents as I end up chatting with a long time friend. We both comment on the number of presents around as we sip our drinks.

“So what do you want for Christmas?” comes the expected question from my friend who is busy examining an intriguingly wrapped parcel.

Instinctively I look around the room and am captured by a pair of deep blue eyes watching me. The rest of the room fades away as I see the love shining from them. I am lost once more, but this time I am happy to be lost, wrapped up in that magical look of love only you can give me. As I remain held in your stare I see your eyebrow raise and unconsciously my hand brushes gently against my sore behind. A blinding smile crosses my face and I am treated to an equally dazzling smile in return.

My reply is simple. “I already have everything I could ever want for Christmas!”

✽ ✽ ✽ ✽ ✽