Tigger’s Letter to Santa
Thank you for your letter informing me of my placement on the naughty list for this Christmas. I appreciate the notice, but would like to have a chance to defend myself against these fairly baseless accusations. You see, Mr. Claus, Sir, it’s all a matter of perspective! Shall we take it in chronological order?
January It was reported to you that I falsely called in sick and took a four day weekend rather than my allotted three day weekend for the national holiday. Evidently this is categorized as a lie? It wasn’t so much a LIE as an exaggeration! You see, I had a very good book to read and so needed to stay home in order to finish it on that particular Tuesday. You couldn’t expect me to go in to work with the book unfinished, could you? I had bookworm fever, you could say!
March The Police Departments still report to you? Haven’t you gotten the memos yet from the States on how corrupt many of these departments have become? No? Oh, well, then, um…Santa, EVERYONE is drunk and disorderly on Saint Patrick’s Day! I owe it to my ancestors to be drunk and disorderly! And that urinating in public citation I received that night? How did they know it was MY urine? No DNA test was done! Just because I was standing near there with my pants down doesn’t mean anything! Maybe I had a wardrobe malfunction! Yes, that’s it! It was all a misunderstanding.
April I did NOT cheat at the Easter Egg hunt! I simply took a head start to give my nieces and nephews a fair chance at the goodies. The organizers were poor sports because they didn’t think hiding in a tree while they were hiding the eggs was playing fair. They can go suck eggs! (See what I did there, Mr. Claus?)
No, really, I’m SORRY! I just wanted a little advance planning time! See, it’s all about the kids! Um…yes…I do realize that my youngest relative is 25. Why do you ask?
June Oh dear. Do I really have to explain about Micah and the bear? She didn’t spend that much time in the ICU! Why, doctors say she’ll be walking again by next Christmas! See, she insisted on going out early to take pictures and when that little bitty grizzly ambled out of the woods to play with her, why, I figured it would be a good time to go get coffee! I thought she would LIKE to play with the grizzly bear for a little while! Afraid? No, I wasn’t afraid. Why do you ask? Oh…the skid marks from where I drove away? Well, the bear was awfully close to my car!
July I wasn’t speeding that much when the trooper pulled me over! How was I supposed to know he wouldn’t like it when I answered, “Not fast enough, obviously!” when asked how fast I was going? I thought it was a great answer! And, I was punished enough with that huge ticket!
September I was surprised to see this incident on the list! I thought telling the students to decorate the classroom themselves was the best idea ever! I didn’t know they would get carried away with the permanent markers and toilet paper!
October Finally, we come to the last item on the list. Isn’t Halloween supposed to be TRICK or Treat? I just thought it was high time for a few tricks! Seriously, shouldn’t they have figured it out when the ice in the ice bags was yellow? Who tries to eat yellow ice? Honestly! And, I warned the faculty that the brownies were highly EDIBLE. Get it? EDIBLES? Yeah, neither did they. Not my fault they all ended up high!
I was fairly well behaved in November, except for that one small firecracker up the turkey incident. Maybe we can discuss that in person? I look forward to your yearly visit and a chance to discuss these violations in person with you.
Yours In Trouble,
Tigger the Brat