I am fine…

By Wookie

Another day over… Another car journey through commuter and exhausted Christmas shopper traffic, achieved relatively unscathed, apart from that craven idiot undertaking me not once but twice! Still, I managed not to swear…well not too much anyway. You would be so proud of me my Top.

I pull into the drive and turn the engine off. Climbing out of the car I stretch my aching muscles and rub my eyes that feel tired from the glare of all the Christmas lights and decorations that are covering the entire city, it would seem.

Looking around I see all the neighbouring homes fully adorned with heaps of seasonal trimmings and flashing lights, moving figurines and the odd sounds of “Ho, Ho, Ho” as well as festive songs. Glancing at our place I see a simple outline of a building, totally dark, no sign of Christmas here. I step up to the front door and enter.

The house is quiet as usual and comfortably warm from the central heating kicking in perfectly. Everywhere is neat and tidy, but then there is only me here at the moment and it’s been that way for the last 3 months. I’ve come to realise that when we are together, I make all the mess yet when you are away on ops it’s as if I barely touch anything at all.

This is not your first deployment nor will it be your last and I know we will get through this time apart just as we always do. Yet I cannot help going through this process each time you are away from me. We are over halfway and the end is in sight but it still seems like forever.

Making a coffee, I perch on the breakfast bar stool and think of you. Ever since you came into my life, it has turned around and evolved into something amazing and beautiful. Our love for one another grows ever stronger each day. Our relationship of Top and brat has developed into an incredible lifestyle that complements our loving partnership all in the space of 4 years.

Whatever directed you or however you were brought into my world I can only be so incredibly grateful for and I know I will constantly strive to keep this precious gift safe.

Finishing my coffee, I go upstairs and change for the gym. It’s like an obsession I have when you are away. You know I love going to the gym normally but at times like this it is an escape for me.

I go there willingly and do all my normal routines, concentrating on technique and timing as expected but now I am able to close my mind off to the everyday stuff that gets to me right now especially with it being Christmas, our favourite time of year. I won’t be thinking about there being just me at home, wondering if you are all right, are you safe, have you eaten, are you warm, can you sleep and so the list goes on.

I won’t think about checking if I need anything from the grocery store because there’s just me. I won’t worry if my favourite tv show is being recorded because the likelihood is I won’t watch it anyway. Nor will I think about any chores to be done because there won’t be that much to do. For this period of time I will simply think about the mindless repetitions, lifts, turns, stretches and routines for as long as it takes for me to become physically exhausted. I follow this up with 15 lengths in the pool before standing under a hot shower letting the heat gradually assuage my aching muscles. After that I’m dressed and heading home again.

Once more, I am in the kitchen, this time trying to think of something to get for dinner.  This is difficult as I’m just not hungry. I think of the times we cook together and how much I love that time. Such a simple task yet you make it special. I will put something together because I hear your Top voice telling me “you need to eat young lady, no skipping it now!” Smiling, I soon have a semblance of a plate of food. All I have to do now is try to eat it all.

Later I am relaxed on the sofa having just spoken to you, all too briefly but it was wonderful to hear your voice.

I make a point of stressing that “I am fine”. Everything is ok here and I’m doing all the normal things you would expect me to be doing.

I keep the conversation light and cheerful, asking after your day and how you are doing. I never want you to think anything is wrong or I’m miserable. You don’t need that. You have more than enough to deal with right now. I just want you to have some few precious minutes of loving communication leaving you feeling contented because above all I want you safe and home again, so very soon.

To the world, I am a strong, independent woman who is capable of many things. In my job I am a professional, skilled Intel officer in command and control at all times. The nature of my job calls for it. I use this control to help me through these days and when I’m talking with you, keeping as much pressure off you as possible. It is the least I can do considering what you are dealing with.

The call ends all too quickly…

Then comes the hardest part because now there is just me in our home, alone. There are no other distractions.

My mind wanders all over the place. I cannot stop the random thoughts that enter my head.

I miss us, our talking. We discuss anything and everything under the sun. I love how you listen to me and encourage my thoughts and ideas. You see a side of me that no-one else has ever seen.

You have encouraged me to show my emotions and feelings.

You have listened to my thoughts, ideas and hopes and dreams, not once denigrating them in any way.

You have watched me gradually learn to show you the passion I have for many causes and what I believe to be right.

You have witnessed my frustration even anger with events I cannot change and my ecstasy when I can contribute towards good results.

Your patience would show no bounds when I extol my master plan for changing the world or striving for Utopia.

I have to pause for a moment trying to gain control once more. You are my foundation, my rock and I feel adrift. I need to tether myself to you somehow.

Some calm, steady breathing exercises work and once more, my mind is floating away.

At these emotional times you my Top step in and guide me, helping me to see what can be done and what may take a day, a week, a year or two longer. You would say all the right words and phrases, never condescending, patronising or commanding. You help me see the good points and bad and what possible ways forward there might be. These discussions are intriguing and enlightening.

After such events you would turn things around and lighten the atmosphere, creating one of fun, laughter and crazy antics. Even Tops have a bratty side!

A small sense of humour bubbles up inside me when I think of those times and as a smile appears on my face so my eyes glisten with tears. I want those times again, now.

Even through the everyday turbulent ups and downs of work issues, you listen carefully, questioning what you do not understand until you have all the facts and then talk through the problems with me showing all sides of the arguments.

With any health issues, again you support and care for me throughout any treatments I may need never once failing to show anything but undying love and support.

All of this guidance has strengthened my own abilities to care for myself, see the bigger picture and appreciate any all successes as well as learning from failures. Everything has such a positive slant to it and this is what you have helped instill in my life.

The thought of this optimism causes a rueful smile to appear because right now I feel anything but positive. I am lost and my heart aches because I miss you.

I miss your very presence, the comfort of having you close enough to touch and know you are really there.
I miss your voice when you tell me you love me.
I miss your tone when you say “you want to rethink that young lady”
I miss your touch whether it is a loving caress or a well deserved swat.
I miss your warm body against mine in bed.
I miss your strength when you have me laying over your lap.

No matter what I do or where I go you are on my mind constantly. I live, eat and breathe you.

I know, at this point in time, I am totally off kilter. I know what I need to help balance me. It’s crazy for me to even think about a spanking right now even though my mind recognises the deep seated longing. I know too that you, my Top, are the one that can centre me once more…

But how can I put that pressure on you? How unfair is that?

We are all adults doing what is required of us in the world and I am very aware of that fact. I am incredibly proud of you and what you do and I support you wholeheartedly in everything you undertake.

I strive throughout this time to do my part and keep in control. Stay the course and see it through to the end. I choose not to burden you with all my wants and needs because I just want you safe and to come home.

Closing my eyes I cannot stop a few stray tears fall slowly down my face. Taking a deep breath I brush them away pushing the control to the front once more.

Making my way up to bed I change and attempt to get some hours of sleep or what passes for that before I must go to work in the morning.

Making it through another night I am dressed and drinking a solitary cup of coffee before facing the day. The one bowl of cereals is on the side for me to eat and I cannot stop myself from wishing there were two bowls side by side.

Breakfast forced down, I silently acknowledge the small success to you, my Top as I visualise the smile on your face that makes your eyes sparkle.

Swallowing quickly I head on out the door ready to keep on going through another day, praying I can hold on to my resolve not to break down but stand firm.

The hours pass, endlessly and painfully slowly.

Another day done… Another car journey through commuter and Christmas traffic arriving relatively unscathed again. At least there were no idiotic drivers today thank goodness. It was merely filled with the stop, start traffic hold ups at the road works installed today!

I park the car, kill the engine and sit for a minute. At least the Christmas festivities at the Control Centre didn’t really start until I was ready to leave and luckily I escaped without having to participate for once. Right now I cannot take part in any Christmas joy, not until you return to me. I try to think if there is anything I actually do need to get done and realise no there is nothing to distract me apart from the gym. After that the long, lonely weekend stretches ahead…

 

Opening the front door I step in, remove my shoes and walk towards the kitchen. Mm that coffee smells good, it’s just what I need right………my mind goes blank as I enter the kitchen and stop dramatically short. I cannot believe my eyes, is it you, is it really you? I don’t want to move in case it’s a mirage and the vision disappears before my eyes. My olfactory senses confirm I can smell coffee causing my mind to digest that fact and therefore proving it must be you I can see standing there in our kitchen holding out a mug for me.

You put the mug down and come over wrapping me in your strong arms. I close my eyes and soak up this incredible moment never wanting it to end.

There is no need for words right now. Touch is everything and all I need.

A few minutes later with my mug in one hand whilst my other arm stays hermetically sealed to you, I listen as you explain briefly how some specialist teams were flying back and one of the officers spoke with you….but you can see I am not taking in a single word. I am simply absorbing you, your very presence, your touch, that quintessential scent that is you my love, only you.

My heart is singing and there is no way the smile is leaving my face.

You ask me how my day has gone. The moment I begin speaking I go straight into gabbling mode, the words seeming to trip over themselves in their excitement to get out.

You listen patiently as ever, watching me intently.

Once I stop talking, you ask me if I am going to the gym. Without thinking, I dive for the door, my mind clicking into the habit of the past few months. Then I stop abruptly and run back into the kitchen breathlessly explaining I don’t need to go to the gym now, although I probably would later but not today, possibly tomorrow…

You hold my arm gently. “Now breathe honey”

I pause taking a deep breath, looking at you, excitement, happiness, overwhelming emotions slowly bubbling to the surface. My eyes glisten a little.

This is all noted by you, my Top. Your impassive expression is in place as you ask me

“How are you doing young lady?”

“I am fine, absolutely fine!” I announce a fraction too brightly.

I don’t know how it happens but following a blur of activity I find myself in the lounge laying face down over your lap staring at the carpet as I hold on to your leg.

Your hand is already swatting my upturned bottom, not hard but enough to be felt.

It is strange but no words are said, they don’t need to be at that point.

You carry on swatting me until you pause, sliding my trousers and underwear down exposing my pink cheeks.

Now you start swatting me harder ensuring I feel them gradually building up heat.

“Are you still fine young lady?” You ask quietly.

“Yes” I mumble really feeling each swat now and the accompanying burn. I know what is happening and I know I have to go through this process exactly as I know you intend to take me there.

The spanking continues with you increasing the strength of the swats. I can’t stop myself from squirming around trying to avoid your hard hand nor the small cries of pain escaping from me.

You concentrate on set areas now, building up the fire on each cheek first. I struggle and squirm even more but your strong arm holds me secure.

I merely have to see it through to the end. I stiffen slightly in your grasp which you notice immediately since you are watching me like a hawk. You know I am trying to keep control.

Changing tactics, you move your aim to my sit spots and begin a volley of sound swats to one sit spot before moving to the other.

My bottom is on fire; I can’t escape or avoid your hand at all. Every hard swat drives me nearer to the edge.

You pause…

“Are you still fine young lady?”

The question is soft but authoritative forcing me to look inward.

I stay silent.

No, I am far from fine and when the barrage of swats begins once more I fall over the edge.

“No I’m not fine Ma’am, I missed you and I am lost but I didn’t want to worry you.”  With that I dissolve into tears laying limply over your lap as I sob my heart out.

I never hear your sigh of relief but I feel and welcome each subsequent swat as you slowly bring the spanking to a finish. Once done you have me stay there sobbing whilst you rub my back slowly talking soft words of encouragement and love to me the whole time.

When I am ready, you help me rise and pull my clothing up which makes me wince but I am not bothered by the pain.

Sitting carefully on your lap, I tell you everything I had been feeling and why I didn’t want to say anything.

You listen, of course, you listen. You always do. Then you explain to me yet again, why you would have preferred I tell you how I am because then you could help me and not worry so much about me. I have never thought of it that way before.

We speak for a while until I am absolutely clear on the best way to talk things through. Then you check on how I feel now, do I feel centred once more?

I admit straight away that everything now appears settled, balanced and where it all belongs. Your smile gladdens my heart and your arms around me make the world a brighter place once more.

You suggest we get something to eat for dinner which surprises me because suddenly I am starving.

As I stand up carefully, I turn and ask you a question.

“How did you know I needed that spanking?”

You smile your Top smile.

“That’s easy young lady, every good Top worth her salt knows when her brat says she is fine it really means ‘I am lost, I need you…!”

I bury myself into your open arms once more! You hold me so close to you until I am ready to face the world.

Finally, I lean back a little and ask the question that I don’t want to know the answer to but I am driven to ask it anyway.

“How long before you have to fly back out honey?”

“I am home for good sweetheart. The op is over. It was called early and was a success.” The broad smile on your face lights it up making your eyes sparkle just as I love to see them.

“You mean that you, you are, that uhm..uh we… so Christmas…” I stumble over my words desperately trying to make sense of your words above the overwhelming singing in my heart.

You nod still smiling. Leaning forward you place a soft kiss on my lips.

“Merry Christmas my love!”

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