With apologies to Clement C. Moore
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the flat
Not a human was stirring, not even a brat;
The presents were set by the tree with such care,
In hopes that morning soon would be there;
The Tops were nestled all snug in their beds,
While dreams of new implements danced in their heads;
And the cat in her basket, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the driveway there arose such a noise,
I sprang from my bed to check on our toys!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of my now sleeping Top
Tore my mind away from all objects from a shop,
And then, what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh coming so near!
With a little cute driver, so lively and quick,
I hoped for a moment it might be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles she came to the door,
And called out my name with a deafening roar!
As I before my miffed Top will fly,
When she meets me with an implement, and looks in my eye;
So down to the front door the little brat flew,
Before she rang the bell and woke my Top too!
And then, in an instant, as I answered the door,
Santa Top stood before me and said, “Your behavior I abhor!”
As I drew her inside, and was turning around,
Down the hairbrush came on my backside with an alarming sound!
She was dressed all in black, from her head to her foot,
and the leather trim gleamed so that I felt hard put.
A bundle of implements she had flung on her back,
And she wasted no time, just opened her pack.
Her eyes they twinkled, but weren’t quite shining
As she simply said, “Now, let’s look at this list without whining.”
She called out each transgression, she saw through each plea,
And before she was half finished I was over her knee.
She scolded about texting and driving and speed
And spanked as she talked with the greatest of glee.
But it was when of broken bedtimes she paddled
I had broken so many she became quite addled!
“Why is it,” she wondered, “you must stay up so long,
When I know your loving Top has told you it’s wrong?”
She listened, then told me that I was quite right
9:00 is too early, even on a school night.
Then she spoke no more words, but went straight to her work,
Finished the spanking; then turned with a jerk,
And laying her hand on my throbbing backside
She gave me the LOOK and finally did chide;
“Stay away from your phone, let the other driver in,
Try to go to bed on time, it might save your skin!”
As she reached for the door, quiet now, not a roar,
I heard her exclaim as she drove out of sight,
‘Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.’