So What is Submission, Really?

A couple of disclaimers before I get into a potentially thorny subject: First, I’m going to be making sweeping statements about human nature and ideal ways to evolve. I will also be discussing a recent RL incident, and some of TMT’s reactions. Keep in mind that it’s all my own POV. TMT would no doubt relate things differently, and I’m perfectly aware that what works for me doesn’t necessarily apply to anyone else, okay? Disclaimers noted? Good.

Recently TMT and I were having a discussion surrounding an incident that happened to me. I won’t go into details, except to say that it had RL penalties involved. It also fell into a category which I have given TMT the right as my top to monitor. As you might expect, she was not pleased, and imposed her own penalties. It was my reaction to these penalties which prompted our discussion.

I’m sure you’ll be shocked to hear that I’m not very good at submitting. πŸ˜€ Even if I’ve agreed that my top has the right to set boundaries around something, even if I’m the one who approached her about it because I needed her help, I still have a very hard time with it. For one thing, like most people I like to be in control. For another, I HATE being wrong. And I don’t mean in the “I’m perfect so I can’t possibly be wrong” way, I mean in the “I must not be a good person if I make a mistake” way.

Yes, common sense would tell anyone that’s not true. But common sense is not operating when we fall into childhood-based fears. So I struggle with things, even in those (narrowly-defined) areas where I’ve agreed I will submit.

I’m not going to debate whether it’s “healthy” to submit in the first place. Those of us who are into TTWD have to assume a certain degree of it from the start. Even if you only like to be spanked because it’s fun or sexy, even if you divorce it entirely from being “punished” for “bad behavior,” you still have to submit to being over someone’s knee and having your butt whacked. On the other end of the spectrum, you may choose a relationship in which you give another person the power to make certain decisions about your behavior, and to submit to their guidance in all things.

I believe you can be in a relationship which requires submission and not consider yourself a “submissive” (or dominant, for that matter) person. I also believe you can be in such a relationship and be a well-organized, well-functioning adult who lives in the real world perfectly well and takes care of herself, and possibly several other people who depend on you too. You can be successful and ambitious and emotionally stable and highly intelligent and spiritually evolved. (You can also be a total mess, but that’s true of anything.)

So the fact that you choose to turn over your power to someone else in one or more areas is reflective of nothing else except the fact that that’s what you want to do. Because you feel it will really help you, because it makes you feel cared about, because it turns you on, because of all or none of the above.

Do I think it’s also a good and evolved thing to decide to live without any aspect of domestic discipline? Sure, why not, if that’s what you prefer. I do believe it’s healthy to be as self-reliant as possible, which is not the same as being disconnected from needing people. Our connections keep us alive and add meaning to life. But taking responsibility for our own emotions, actions, and happiness is the best way to find satisfaction and contentment while we’re on this planet, so why not strive for that overall?

Which is where struggling with submission has actually been instructive for me. It forces me to confront childhood issues and patterns of behavior. It forces me to try to get beyond instinctive reactions to protect myself, and try to see that the defensiveness might not be necessary. It gives me insight as a top, to see where a bottom/brat might be struggling, and what seems at first like simple naughtiness might be an attempt to deal with deeper things. As a top it seems so clear to me what the right thing is, and how simple it is to avoid trouble by making the better choice. When I submit as a bottom, I realize the muddled soup we all have to swim through on a daily basis, and how it clouds the thinking of an otherwise well-meaning and perfectly intelligent person.

But back to my screw-up. In our discussion, I was pointing out to TMT that doing a task, even if the instructions were not completely followed and the attitude seemed resentful (it was actually unhappiness and distress, not surliness), was actually a sign of submission. I mean, if you really HATED doing it, and you did it anyway – albeit not in the spirit that your top wanted – wasn’t that actually SUBMISSION of a sort? Especially knowing how much the bottom struggles to submit?

TMT had to walk away from our Skype chat at that point in order to take care of one of furry creatures she is a guardian for, but I could hear her laughing all the way across the room and back. Needless to say, she did not agree. I get her point – she was most concerned with: 1) my safety, and 2) me actually learning something about why I got into the situation in the first place and how I might avoid it in the future. But (IMO), submitting to something and agreeing with it are two different things. It’s ideal if they co-exist – doing something your top instructs you to do, in the spirit she wants you to do it, makes it a helluva lot easier on both of you.

But just doing it in the first place….that should count too. πŸ™‚

(Btw, I’m not asking for anyone to help justify my actions to TMT. In my opinion, she did her job as top admirably, and continues to do a brilliant job under sometimes trying circumstances. *g* I learn from her all the time, about how to be a better top and a better human being. I guess I’m just sharing a little of what I went through, in case it helps anyone else who is struggling, and I’m also interested in hearing what other people have to say on the subject.)

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52 Responses to So What is Submission, Really?

  1. DD says:

    This is one very interesting post. I particularly liked the part about self-reliance but not complete independance.
    The thing is nobody is really independant. We are all interdependant and you are very right making connections is very important.
    I do understand very well the tension and I also relate to “a mistake must mean I am not a good person”.
    I don’t think anything is simple naughtiness actually and I think understanding one’s motives is important.
    I find it’s important to confront the element of irrational and unconsciousness not just in our reactions but also in our decisions.
    This is not just psichobabble by the way. Damasio is all about the emotional element in a our decisions (well, among other things, but this seemed to be ontopic). And he is one of those smarty pants that study our brain…

    • Alyx says:

      I agree with most of what you say, DD. But once in awhile there is such a thing as “simple naughtiness.” I have seen it demonstrated by brats, trust me! πŸ˜€

      Seriously, though, I looked up Damasio and his theories are interesting. Will be reading more about his work.

      • DD says:

        I haven’t read that much about Damasio myself. I have read it because he is kind of a Spinoza fan. I go all awwwww when neurobiologists crush on philosophers. It’s like: “some of the hard science folks like the Humanities”.

        About naughtiness… I think naughtiness only exists if people think it exists. But that’s another debate, related to essences versus roles.

        But yes. Once we agree there’s such a thing as naughtiness, then sometimes people are just naughty. It’s a change of perspective IMO, YMMV.

        But that’s another, if perhaps somewhat related topic.

        In any case, really really awesome post.

  2. Loki says:

    (This is long. Apologies. But it’s an awesome subject you’re addressing.)

    I think most bottoms / submissives / brats / whatever you want to call them, are, are one time or another, completely terrified of submission and what it could and would mean if they gave it.

    It’s very, very, very rare to find anyone into TTWD who embraces submission without reserve out of the gate. Oftentimes people *think* they do, but the moment a top actually enforces something, they start a pretty good impression of a kitten on a leash ie, thrashing about, either inwardly or outwardly depending on temperament. Sometimes there are claws involved.

    I don’t think this fear is a bad thing. There are several reasons for that:

    1. Submitting to someone bonds you to them in a way that is quite deep and quite powerful. So you have to have complete trust in that person, And, if they’re not worthy of that trust, well, you can have a serious disaster on your hands.

    2. People can, and often have, become so wrapped up in submission that their real lives fall by the wayside. They stop self-regulating and sometimes even sabotage themselves deliberately in order to get attention from their top. This is bad for obvious reasons.

    3. (This is sort of 2 restated, but is slightly different view on it.) Submission can be addictive. It triggers a serious endorphin rush. If you have an addictive personality, or if you become dependent on that rush and that thrill to get through the day, well, you’re going to have a bad time.

    Submission can be beautiful and freeing and transcendent at times, but unless you have a handle on it, you can get into trouble with it.

    On the flipside of all of that, is also the havoc someone who hasn’t come to terms with their desires can wreak on a top. It’s not uncommon for people to change their minds about what they want a top to do after the top has done it – even if they consent at the time. And then their negative feelings about submission can be transferred to the top, painting the top in a negative light when in reality all that happened was the submissive person experienced what they’d been fantasizing about and decided that they either didn’t like it, or they did like it and that scared them.

    I also think that not every person who fantasizes about spanking, especially disciplinary spanking, actually wants to or needs to experience it. In fact, something that seemed sort of hot and nice in theory can turn out to be quite painful and embarrassing and not in a good way. The secret is in finding someone you trust and experimenting a little. Everyone has to find their own way through these things, and the road is often rocky.

    To summarize, and to steal a term from Dan Savage, submission is Varsity Level relationship stuff. I don’t think it suits people who aren’t already fairly balanced in their lives, because in too many cases it becomes a crutch, something that they can’t function without. And then they become as dependent on a top as the aforementioned kitten to its mother and if something happens to the relationship, then there’s a lot of bottle feeding that needs to be done to get them back on their feet.

    We’re straining the metaphor now, but I think it gets the general gist of the point across.

    • Alyx says:

      *LOL* Ah, Loki, I do so enjoy your analogies/metaphors! And I’ve gotten cat-scratched myself, so I agree with you completely. πŸ˜€

      Excellent points you make. I only took Fizzy on as a brat because she seemed very well-adjusted. *bg* (No, actually, she is.) I think most of the time people are better at playing at discipline and submission (and I’m including myself here), than working it into RL situations. It’s simply easier and emotionally safer, and if it gets your needs met, just as legitimate an option. For those that can negotiate a RL discipline relationship, I’m sure it takes constant attention and hard work.

      You also brought to mind another point I hadn’t addressed, which is the responsibility of tops who take on such an arrangement. People who submit are in a very vulnerable state, so there needs to be thought and care put into managing this vulnerability. Simple desire to dominate without an equal desire to serve and improve life for the individual concerned is almost always a disaster as well.

  3. Ash says:

    What?! Isn’t doing stuff you’d rather not submission? I mean… I REALLY didn’t want to go to the doctor once, but Panda said I HAD to… so I grudgingly went and that was to me submitting. Though it did turn out I really did need to go to the doctor, and have to take medicine. *LOL*

    I’m not a very submissive person either. I’m not very dominant, and I do need help sometimes, but it really is hard having someone making decisions for you, even if it is what you want. I had to take a break from this whole Topping thing, because I also had trouble with submitting.

    • Alyx says:

      Well, that was my point, Ash. But I’m thinking not everyone agrees with us. πŸ˜€ And to be honest, as a top I would have my own opinion about how my brat behaves….as I’ve made clear to her. *g*

      • Fizzy says:

        Yes, I do so enjoy these little revelations which Alyx follows immediately with, β€œBut that doesn’t apply to YOU, missy!” *g* It’s a good thing I’m a far more obedient, submissive, angelic brat than my top is. πŸ˜†

        This post is fascinating and so are the comments. There are so many flavors of TTWD, I always find it interesting to see how people negotiate what’s right for them. And feel very lucky to have found what works for me. πŸ™‚

        • Alyx says:

          You are a more obedient submissive brat, because your top is NOT a brat! *narrow-eyed look* And while I’m sure TMT might have her own opinion about that, *g* I know this to be true because I’ve seen how you think and operate. *shaking head* The naughtiness you come up with is a constant surprise to me.

          If brat ingenuity were used for good instead of plotting how to get out of things or coming up with brilliant excuses, we could’ve solved global warming by now! Instead I’m adding to the rise in temperature by having to impose my own global warming on your recalcitrant backside! *SWAT!*

  4. Kellie says:

    Wow, you have finally caused me to delurk! Let me start by saying I am probably the most undisciplined rebellious person ever. When I read about people being disciplined for not studying, going to bed on time etc. (No offense anyone, I’m sure for normal people this can be a problem.) It makes me think I am a lost cause. If those types of problems were all I had to worry about then I would have already come light years in terms of improving behavior. Which is why I agree with Alyx. If I did something I did not want to do because I was told to do it, it would definitely be in a rebellious manner but that I did it at all would be a supremely submissive thing. That being said, I have to take some issue with your reply Loki. Not that I don’t believe you are correct, in fact I worry that you are. I’m having a hard time trying to articulate my thoughts so let me use fiction as an example. Alyx’s stories of loving
    DD relationships would be my ideal. Yet I am drawn to, let’s say your Lesbia story. Some of
    your characters are beyond undisciplined and have to be non consensually handled. They are then as “dependent as a kitten” for at least some length of time in order to learn any type of submission at all. Yet you say this would not work for someone not already fairly balanced. Then I guess I’m f*%@ed. You said its bad to lose self regulation in order to gain attention, what if you don’t self regulate to begin with? In that case, doing something you don’t want to, even with attitude, would be a gift of submission and trust. At least in my world.

    • Alyx says:

      Welcome, Kellie, I’m glad you delurked. πŸ™‚

      I think (though Loki can certainly speak for herself so I apologize to her if I get it wrong) that both Loki’s and my stories present ideal fantasies of different flavors. There are no perfect tops (or brats) like the kind I write about — part of the appeal of my stories is they are an escape from everyday life. Not that the love behind them can’t be present — I’ve seen, and currently experience, such a relationship.

      And for me, Loki’s stories are escapist fantasy in another way — it’s hot to imagine non-consensual spanking (or initial non-consensual turning into uncontrollably turned on) as she portrays it. Her characters are strong and don’t submit easily, if at all. Reading about them puts the non-consensual aspect under our control, which is why it’s erotic and not scary. In RL, I’d be pretty upset to be so helpless, but when reading about Ayla it’s easy to wish I was under her thumb. *LOL*

      I think anything in life, including discipline relationships, work better if you are balanced. Expecting anyone else to “fix” us is never a good idea. I’m not saying we shouldn’t seek help, but we have to ultimately take responsibility for our own happiness, and therefore our own feelings and behavior. If we don’t, no top or relationship is ever going to satisfy us. And it’s also highly unlikely we’d find anyone sane to take it on! *g* I’m not saying we can’t be messed up to begin with. I’m saying we have to be willing to put in more work than anyone else to make sure we improve.

  5. Micah says:

    As always, Alyx you are able to put into words, topics that I struggle with as I try to find my way in a DD relationship.

    I have a question though.. You said ” doing a task, even if the instructions were not completely followed and the attitude seemed resentful… was actually a sign of submission.” Is it possible that deep down inside your failure to completely follow the instructions was a little mental rebellion for you? I’m just thinking that if you know what the instructions are and choosing not to do all of them is basically saying, ‘No’ to your Top.

    I have particularly appreciated your post and Loki’s response because I struggle with submitting so much. It’s crazy….I have always wanted to participate in a DD relationship and now each time Tigger tries to help me, I wriggle and protest and come up with every excuse in the world. She deserves combat pay for the fits she has to deal with.

    Thank you for your post. It’s very thought-provoking for me.

    • Alyx says:

      Hey Micah. *hug* I’m glad you asked that question! I agree with your point in general, and have given it much thought in my specific situation too. I do think my reaction came out of anger and self-protectiveness and a sense of injustice. (Not against TMT, mind you. Against the RL penalty which happened.) Her instruction was to enumerate the mental excuses I was making for my behavior, and then to examine why those excuses were wrong. Instead I said that there was no excuse for my actions, and listed all the good reasons why what I did was not legal in that instance. The reason I did that was not out of a sense of rebellion. It was because I felt (and still do) I was not presenting any danger to society. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m not saying I shouldn’t be punished. I also made clear I felt it was a mistake and will NEVER do it again. However I couldn’t fulfill her instructions exactly because it would be lying to say I felt I was actually doing anything dangerous. The reason I will never do it again is because I never want to get caught again. And I know that’s not what TMT wanted to hear.

      (*g* Reading this over, it sounds like I have a terrible attitude problem. I actually think some of you might agree [or at least sympathize] if you knew all the details. But in any case, I understand and accept my top’s POV. The incident is not actually over, to be honest, because I still have a punishment coming up. 😦 Not looking forward to that.)

      I get where you’re coming from, struggling with submission. What helps me is that I really think by taking on the struggle (in admittedly limited areas), it will improve me as a human being overall. Not because I need to be told how I should behave (which is not what TMT is about anyway), but because I react to certain things from a childhood mindset. I get defensive where there is no need. I hate being wrong or making a mistake. But because all people make mistakes, I think it will be awesome once I conquer that issue. πŸ™‚

  6. Yes well, I just love seeing the word SUBMISSION in capitals like that… somehow when you shout it, Honey, it seems much more assertive and not exactly submissive, mm?! *vbg* *teasing tickle*

    This is a wonderful post (with some excellent replies too) and I have more to say, in less silly vein, when I can locate my brain which seems to have gone on a sleepathon atm. xxx

    • Alyx says:

      Oh! *blush* *LOL* Okay, maybe that was a bit contradictory. I wasn’t shouting, Darling, I just wanted to add emphasis. But next time I’ll use italics or bold. And on different words. πŸ˜€

  7. Boy Alyx , thats a heavy word SUBMISSION. I still strugglin with that and havin epic fail everytime. I have so much to say on this topic , but I’m having trouble puttin it in words. Will ponder it for a minute more.

    • Alyx says:

      It’s a heavy topic, Bahamagirl. Or can be. It can be fun too, though. Hmm…maybe I should think about enumerating all the ways it’s hot too. *LOL*

  8. Ella says:

    I think its really good that you understand that you messed up. We all mess up. I personally wouldn’t be able to state that I was wrong even though I would know it inside. I think a lot of people can relate to this post, me included, so thanks Alyx!

    • Alyx says:

      Thanks, Ella, I’m glad if it was helpful. πŸ™‚ (Though I suspect TMT would say I haven’t fully accepted my wrongness yet. *wry grin*)

  9. Mil says:

    Awesome post, Alyx, and very interesting comments. I’m not sure what to add really. Although what you said in your post, it kind of remind me of delegating in a work place. Like getting people who have strengths in other areas to your own to help on a project. Kind of a cold way of looking at personal growth, but maybe you know what I mean πŸ™‚

    • Mil says:

      Forgot to check the notification follow-up box.. doing that now.

      • Alyx says:

        Delegating in a workplace….yes, I can see that. Except that coworkers don’t make you write essays or take you over their knee. *g* (Though you’d probably sign up for a job like that, eh? πŸ˜‰ )

        • Hmmm… well…. if you are going to exaggerate and call that little report I asked you to write an ‘essay’, maybe next time I should give you a minimum word count as well. Thank you for this refinement! *vbg* As for the other – oh yes.

          • Alyx says:

            Aw, I wasn’t talking about *you*, Honey! I meant in general! Minimum word count?? *deciding that discretion is the better part of valor* Yes, ma’am. 😦

  10. Pixie says:

    Submission is such a huge concept I am sure it could have a blog all of its own, in fact it probably has somewhere!

    I have to admit that if I do something I don’t want to do, because PT had told me to, i see that as submission. I mean if I want or am happy to do something then it doesn’t take any effort on my part to comply. Example ‘Eat the ice cream pixie’ is super easy but ‘Have a spoonful of that foul tasting medicine that’s good for you pixie’ just not that easy for me!

    Seriously, if an order / request is something I really do not want to do, I have a hard time doing it with good grace and it is that which I see as my battle to submit. I believe I do manage it most of the time, mainly because PT NEVER asks me to do anything that is not in the best interests of me or our family. I Can obey because I trust her so completely but I am also more than capable of making decisions for myself. I think I am pretty strong and capable, PT’s partnership and guidance just serves to make me feel more so if that makes sense? Being able to let go and give someone else power is, I find, incredibly freeing. I am lucky I have met someone who understands my needs and can balance my need to be in control of my own life with my need to submit to someone else. I do think it is pretty rare to be able to find this in a real life DD situation.

    Non-consensual spankings in stories are very hot IMO but in RL I would fight tooth and nail!

    Not sure if I’ve added anything to this discussion but I have enjoyed reading all you have to say.

    • Alyx says:

      That makes total sense, Pixie. And I do think it’s all about balance. It IS pretty rare to find someone who fits our needs so well, and I think you and PT are very fortunate. I know you also work hard at it, though. It’s not easy to submit (especially with good grace at all times), and it’s not easy to be the one responsible for another’s welfare. I’m happy it works so well for both of you. πŸ™‚

  11. kiaigrrl says:

    Oh my, what a topic Alyx! IMO, it takes courage and strength to submit as well as to Top. For the bottom, it also takes maturity to even admit wrong doing which can be a feat in itself and then to take it a step further by accepting the consequences of the ill behaviour. Allowing themselves to be punished – very difficult indeed. One the other end (pun unintentional *g*) Topping is a whole different thing here. I believe it takes incredible courage and self confidence in order to Top. Taking another person’s well being in their hands (Oh Lady Light, another one *eg*) and actually following through on a punishment is not exactly easy.

    That being said, I completely agree with Loki when she stated “…Submission is Varsity Level relationship stuff. I don’t really think it suits people who aren’t already fairly balanced in their lives, because in too many cases it becomes a crutch.” Using Tops as a crutch is not only counterproductive but also extremely unfair and quite taxing on the Top. In my own current situation, my life is completely unbalanced and I would never go in seek of a Top in this condition as I know I am unable to put into the relationship as much as I would need to in order for both of us to meet halfway. Until I get myself together and am able to stand on my own without falling so far, seeking a Top will have to wait. It would be too easy to lean everything on a Top and use them as a crutch, an excuse or whatever I would justify my behaviour as. It would mean not taking personal responsibility and just letting the Top to take it on for me.

    I believe that sometimes it takes a greater strength and courage to submit to your inner Top voice (yes we all have it inside somewhere and use it daily for simple tasks as well as the tougher ones) and get yourself and your life at least somewhat under control before submitting to an outside Top. It’s unfair to the Top to expect so much from them when it’s up to the bottom to pull their own weight and put in that effort. A bottoms life needs to be at least a bit balanced and expect miracles from the Top. Tops and bottoms, IMHO, should be able to work as a team to improve the life of the bottom. If the bottom doesn’t work as hard as the Top to reach the agreed goals, then what’s the point?? It only turns into a game frustrating both parties and usually leads to a “break-up” as it would in any life relationships.

    Dunno if anything I said here makes any sense at all, ha! But I do love this post Alyx and am looking forward to seeing what comes out of it πŸ˜‰

    • Alyx says:

      Hey Kiai! I’m sorry to hear your life is so challenging at the moment. *hug* But I absolutely agree with you (and Loki) that submission is Varsity Level relationship stuff, and I commend you on knowing you need more balance before attempting it again.

      That’s a good point about an inner top voice as well. We all do have it, though some brats *coughFizzycough* may not listen to it as often as they should. πŸ˜€

      I agree with you too that an ideal discipline relationship (of any kind) should be a partnership. And like any relationship, it takes work from all parties involved to maintain. And sometimes even with the best of intentions, it doesn’t work out. That doesn’t make it a failure, it makes it a learning experience for next time. Believe me, I have had a lot of learning experiences in the past few weeks alone, and some of them were pretty damn painful! *LOL*

      • kiaigrrl says:

        Listening to that inner top voice is quite challenging but to act on it’s logic is nearly impossible at times! It’s SO easy to make up awesome “logical” brat excuses to myself and then choose to just accept them but…I’m finding I just can’t do that anymore no matter how much I would love to just skate on by. Actually, I’m finding that holding myself accountable is tougher than having someone else do it for me.

        Thanks for pointing out that it’s a learning experience and not a failure. I’m still wrestling a bit about how I failed but dwelling on it has NOT been helpful! *hug back*

    • Fizzy says:

      I totally agree with you, kiaigrrl – even though I tease and joke about it, a brat has to work hard to get better or what’s the point? The moment it’s all worthwhile is when Alyx’s patience and caring kicks in and I want to make my top proud of me more than I want to misbehave…and succeed in changing a bad habit permanently.

      Particularly since I find that my inner top voice can easily be drowned out by Daft Punk. πŸ˜†

      • kiaigrrl says:

        It seems you and Alyx have a great partnership in this. And making a Top proud is such an awesome feeling, isn’t it? πŸ˜€

        My own inner Top voice can be drowned out by just about anything these days! But I’m working on making it a bit louder..perhaps a bit stronger than my brat voice, heh. πŸ˜‰

  12. WiserDoc says:

    All the salient points have been most thoroughly and eloquently expressed, and all I can add is a hearty “Here, here,” or “Hear, hear” if you prefer. The comments really resonated, as My Top has to be a near super-human to deal with the awe-inspiring amalgam of conflict, complexity, and contradiction that is the essence of me as a bottom. She has the patience, resilience, and consummate skill to be where I need her to be, precisely when I need her to be there. The “gift” of my acquiescence, she treats as the precious thing it is – a treasure proffered in trembling hands often hesitant hands, yet always tightly wrapped in trust and love. Tops accept a responsibility that is something akin to negotiating an emotional mine field, and those of us who expect this of them on an ongoing basis must surely find them deserving of our most profound respect and adoration.

    • Alyx says:

      Hi WiserDoc. As you were one of the people I was thinking of (as well as my own brat Fizzy, of course) when I talked about ambitious, accomplished individuals who might also seek a relationship with submission involved, I appreciate your input. It’s also good for people to hear about successful relationships like the one you have (or like Pixie and PT’s), as it gives them hope and let’s them see the many different incarnations a discipline relationship can take.

      I admit that on rare occasions TMT has a bit of a challenge on her hands as well *g*, and she definitely has my profound respect and adoration. She’d have that just because of what I know about her as a human being, let alone her being an awesome top. πŸ™‚

      • WiserDoc says:

        Hi Alyx. Thank you for the compliment. *g* I am happy to serve as an example of how even the most difficult among us can find that special someone. πŸ˜‰ I am aware that I have grown even more difficult over the years, and therefore want to make mention of the fact that in the strongest and most enduring relationships you and your Top (or bottom) evolve together. You adjust to each other time and time again, and each time emerge closer than before. It is clear that you have experienced this. *smile* As to your question, which I realized I failed to answer, I discussed it in detail with my Top. What resulted was her question “What was the intent of the assignment?” If TMT just wanted an essay written and did not care if you grumbled all the way through (which I doubt) then yes, you submitted. If however she intended for you to do the exercise graciously and express understanding of the wrongness of your actions, then no, that was most decidedly NOT submission. I am sharing my Top’s perspective of course, naturally I would tend to agree with your interpretation. *g*

        • Alyx says:

          I did not grumble in the assignment, I was polite and formal in the extreme. However I did not write exactly what I was assigned to do, so I believe TMT would definitely share your top’s perspective! πŸ˜€

  13. cj says:

    Alyx, you have most eloquently expressed the varied topics of submission. Your readers have also brought up some wonderful points.

    I have had a few different tops, with a variety of styles and I have to agree that the most important part of our relationships was keeping a balance between the important parts of my real life and thiers.

    This caused me to reflect on what I really wanted versus needed and what the rest of my life needed and wanted from me. I even backed out of all of it for awhile, I could not find the balance. Yet that nagging voice remained stubborn, “I can be independent, responsible for people at work and responsible for people at home, I can make the hard and easy decisions… yet something was missing” I still needed to know that there was someone in this great big world that would care enough to tell me in no uncertain terms, “It is not ok to drive, open up a pizza box and eat a piece on the way home while the cheese was burning the roof of my mouth. Even if it tasted really really GOOD!”

    I am a natural smart a**, which has lead to many discussions. I like adventure and trying new things which has lead to many discussions. Submission for me comes down to having a relationship with someone that cares enough to see the best person that is inside of you and will help you bring that person out. Not saying that is easy for either the Top or the bottom, but when you reach a goal it is all worth it.

    Sorry that was a lot longer than I intended. Alyx I really enjoyer your thought provoking post! Thank you fro sharing.

    • Alyx says:

      Welcome CJ! Thank you for chiming in on the discussion. I think you make a good point about it coming down to caring. Definitely my motivation in topping Fizzy comes down to showing how I care about her. And that has led to many discussions too. *bg* And yes, I agree that sometimes it’s not easy for either top or bottom. I know TMT has my welfare at heart and wants the best for me too, and her love is a reassuring force. I just have to remember that in the midst of struggling to submit. πŸ™‚

  14. Indy says:

    I’m way late to read this, but I just wanted to say that I’ve very much enjoyed the post and ensuing discussion. Even though, of course, I have no idea why anyone would find it difficult to be submissive…

    • Alyx says:

      Glad you enjoyed it, Indy. I know your remark was partly in jest, but from your posts, I would say you are far from straightforwardly submissive yourself. πŸ˜‰

      • Indy says:

        That’s for damned sure! And “completely in jest” would be closer to the truth..

        It seems to me that a lot of people who switch prefer to be submissive to one partner, dominant to another. Not me. I prefer to switch roles with the same person, perhaps even, in my fantasies, anyway, after a brief psychological struggle for dominance that leaves it deliciously in doubt who will emerge In Charge.

        So while I like to be made to feel submissive in a very safe psychological space, I definitely wouldn’t call myself a submissive.

        • Alyx says:

          That’s interesting. I agree with you that it seems as if most people who switch prefer not to do both with person. However this probably depends on the setting, don’t you think? In a room full of brats/bottoms/submissives I would probably prefer to spank my way through them. πŸ˜€

          However with my lover, I would definitely enjoy submitting at times. Which is where the “very safe psychological space” comes in, I suppose.

  15. bahamagirl1996 says:

    I see Mil found out my super hero ID . Now Mil , when you called you pose to say the secret word ” Potcake ” den dey would’ve let me know dat call was mine . Alyx I understand what you sayin , but I een dat kind a Sub who take the licks fer ya. If dats when you callin me , will brother , I gone like shingle off ya roof when hurricane . Think I fool πŸ˜‰

    • Alyx says:

      No, BG, never a fool! I think you’re uncommonly slick, as a matter of fact. The kind that keeps tops on their toes. Or at least….with sore palms. πŸ˜†

      • Alyx Darling, I have no doubt that there are numerous reasons to help BG acquire a roasted ass of epic smoldery redness – but imagining you standing there helpfully offering your own OTK toasting as some sort of ~New Altruism~ leaves me thinking that may have come down with a rare delusional disorder… What do you think I might say if you were to suggest such a thing!? πŸ˜‰

        • Ma’am , hope you are doin fine. Naw my buddie ( Alyx das you ) know I have a degree in wickness and a PHD in brattyness . Please don’t roast my Island gal , she jus tryin to help an innocesent Sub like myself find me a good Top like you Bosslady πŸ™‚ If you happen to know Ms Winters number , let her know I right cross here naked and waitin pls , and also let her know it getting breezy over here so don’t wait too long cause I don’t want ta blow way. Lovin you as always bosslady

        • Alyx says:

          It isn’t what you would say, Honey, it’s what you would DO that concerns me. *g* “A roasted ass of epic smoldery redness”…..you have such a way with words. *admiring sigh* Yes, I was following the precepts of the New Altruists (my latest religion), but I can see that particular bit of generosity might not go over too well. πŸ˜€ Guess I’ll have to skip that one. *cough*

          Still, I have faith that a naked Bahamagirl wouldn’t have to wait too long for her own Bosslady. πŸ˜†

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